I only looked at my stats for the first time yesterday, and I have been wanting to ask some of the wiser and more experienced stats superstars on here to please write an article thoroughly explaining the stats! What does it all mean?

I can't understand numbers and graphs for the life of me, and I'm begging someone to dumb it down into "explain it like I'm 5 years old" type of information!

Please help the number-illiterate out, professor!